Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator

Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding celebrations...

To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.

To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage
...Here's to good sense of humor and a short memory!

Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"

You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.

May the best of your past be the worst of your future

Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the sheets!

May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfilment

Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"

Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.

Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs

Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.

Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...

Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.

Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said 'Press any key to continue', she phoned support complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.

You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.

Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers....

Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!

Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.

I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.

Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...

Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.

Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.

Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE

Yo brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!

Yo girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...

Yo Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.

Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH

Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.

Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico adds " she needs to loosen up"

Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!

Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'

Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn

Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her

Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family, burger king, mc donalds and

Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial

Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends

Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died

Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.

Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.

Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday

Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.

You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine

This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.

Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!

Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.

Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!

Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip 'n' slide

Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh shit its a real damn earthquake.

Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell

Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn't date her.

Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded

Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.

Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.

Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door

Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.

Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!

Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!

Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!

Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.

Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!

Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us your autograph"

Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"

Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!

Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.

Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell "taxi"

Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe but hoes' get paid.

Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled "I got the Power!".

Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!

Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"

Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can't count past 9...

Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.

Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."

You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on Fridays...."

Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.

Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers...

Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday...

Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.

Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema...

Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.

Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'

You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.

Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.

You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.

Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...

Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!

You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".

Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.

Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.

I told her drinks were on the she went and got a ladder...

she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor' she just did!

it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

she invented a silent car alarm.

that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

she lost her shadow.

she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'


Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...


Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'

Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...

Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...

Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama

Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the he moved house...

Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.

Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets

Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...

Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman

Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed

Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'

Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail

Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!

Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod

Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...

Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope


Yo Mama So Ugly


she put the Boogie man outta business.

she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

she was a guard at Snake Mountain

they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

her shadow gave up.

people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

when she was born the Doc smacked her face.  

Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

Yo mama's so ugly, hold got a mirror handy???

Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

Yo Moma So Old


she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

she still owes Moses a dollar.

when she was at school...there was No history class!

she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

she's got the first autographed Koran.

she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

she even made Yoda jealous.

she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

vher birthday expired.

when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

Anything Yo's - So Old ...


Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph

Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair

You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.

Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.

You Dog so old it farts out dust.

Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'

Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!

Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

Yo Moma So Poor


that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

they put her photo on food stamps.

when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

burglars break into her home and leave money.

when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

the building society repossed her cardboard box.

she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"

I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"

Anything Yo's - So Poor...


You're so poor even Beggars give you money.

Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!

Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."

Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!

Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...

Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"

You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...

Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"

Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...

Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...

Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...

You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...

Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"

Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."

Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.

Anything Yo's....


Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...

Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...

You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)

But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...

Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!

You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..

Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Your Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.

Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).

Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey...

Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night...

Yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.

Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb

Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.

Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid

Yo Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.

Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.

Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change...

The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'

Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job...

Yo baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous...

Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!

Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...

I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!

Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.

Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school

I took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted 'Tony'...

Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder

That Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes...

Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...

Yo mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.

Yo mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.

Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.

I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...

No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint....a saint Bernard!

But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!

Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.

And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.

Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves

She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining...

Yo'momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow


Yo Momma Like


a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.

a bus - only 50 pence a ride

a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!

a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.

a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...

a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!

the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.

a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.

Pizza Hut - not there in 30's free.

a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...

a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...

a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.

the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her

a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.


Anything Yo's


Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours...

Yo Female Boss like a 24 hours for your convenience...

Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day...

Yo' ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth...

Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow a whole lotta seamen.

Yo' Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.

Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.

Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.

Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece...

Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear...

Yo Momma so Smelly


the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

she made Right Guard call for backup.

even the dogs won't smell her.

an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"

that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...

she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

her poo is glad to escape.

that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...

even sewer rats get outta her way...

that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...


Yo Momma so Dirty


she has to creep up on the bath water.

that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.


Yo Momma so Greasy


Texaco buy oil from her

she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...

her freckles slipped off.

the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed

her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

she uses bacon as a band aid.


Your Mama So Fat


when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

small objects orbit her.

she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

she could be the eighth continent.

she nearly put Safeway out of business

the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

her fave food is seconds.

her belt size is Equator.

she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

she shows up on radar.

she needs a map to find her butt.

she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

she wears an asteroid belt.

her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

she has TB ... 2 bellys.

she's once, twice, three times a lady.

she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

the circus use her as a trampoline

stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

she deep fries her toothpaste.


Anything Yo's - So Fat...


Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.

Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American

Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"

Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...

Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.

Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!

Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing

Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces

Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.

Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick

Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.

Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years

Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'

You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry

Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.

Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling

Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.

Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...


Anything Yo's


Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob

Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.

Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights

Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter

Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons

Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.

Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner

Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...

Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen

Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...

You Wife got more crack than harlem

Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store


Yo Moma...


has 10 fingers -- all on the same hand.

has green hair and thinks she's a Tree.

has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers

has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles...

has a major weight problem - she can't eat.

got a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies

got a glass eye with a fish in it.

got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it

got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much snow in years."

got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...

is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail...


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