A legend in his own mind...

He's an expert on padded cells.

He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

Lights on, door open, nobody at home

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as bent as a butchers hook

He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

About as subtle as a flying brick

She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

About as interesting as watching paint dry

Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard

I've seen better hands on a clock

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

She's as fit as a butchers dog

She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

This guy is all foam, no beer.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

He's tighter than a photo finish.

He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

You could park a bike on that bum

He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump.

You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

As rare as a Blonde virgin

I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

He's as camp as a row of tents

I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up.

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