On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else. 

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative. 

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. 

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too... 

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :) 

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU! 

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you? 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!  

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...! 

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal! 

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H 

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r. 

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text! 

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost! 

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias! 

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! 

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you 

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it. 

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone 

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! 

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok! 

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. 

Nope.....u still ugly! 

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty. 

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come. 

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.' 

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u. 

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass. 

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer. 

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away! 

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. 

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!  

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

You are here: X 

Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block. 

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy. 

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?  

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole! 

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. 

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. 

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything. 

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? 

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.' 

Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???" 

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!  

Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between! 

I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS! 

Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX! 

When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number.... 

U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply! 

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides. 

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.  

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. 

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.  

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. 

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.  

You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.  

He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.  

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.  

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???  

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.  

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.  

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

Mind intentionally left blank...  

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.  

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.  

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before. 

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?  

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.  

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 

Born Free........Taxed to Death. 

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found 

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now... 

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' 

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Celibacy is not hereditary

Familiarity breeds children

Life is sexually transmitted

We do precision guesswork

Born free . . . Taxed to death

If it's too loud, you're too old

Common sense isn't common

Nothing succeeds like excess

Do pilots take crash-courses?

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

The older I get, the older old is

Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Do witches run spell checkers?

I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

Allow me to introduce my selves

A feature is a bug with seniority

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Justice: A decision in your favor

Strip mining prevents forest fires

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Do not disturb. Already disturbed

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Today's subliminal message is . . .

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Fuck Me...are those real?

Be unique and different, just say yes.

Can I flirt with you?

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

I don't work here. I'm a consultant

Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

The best things in life aren't things

I like feminists; I think they're cute

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

Does killing time damage eternity?

How can there be self-help groups?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

All computers wait at the same speed

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How come night falls but day breaks?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

If we quit voting will they all go away?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

When all else fails manipulate the data

I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

Insanity is my only means of relaxation

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

When money talks, the criminal walks

Exceptions always outnumber rules

Adults are just kids who owe money

All stressed out and no one to choke

Constipated people don't give a crap

I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

Where there's a will, I want to be in it

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

Never miss a good chance to shut up


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